Sorry to hear that things didn’t work out. For
whatever the reason, your marriage is coming to an end. The next chapter in
your life will be tough. Perhaps one of the most difficult you’ll ever have to
go through. You’ll survive. How do I know? Trust me. I’ve been there.
Along the course of my separation and divorce,
as well as having seen other friends go through it, I’ve noticed that,
unfortunately, divorces are becoming more and more like dark alley, no holds barred
street fights. Especially when kids are involved.
Don’t forget one thing. You and your ex cannot
get rid of each other. You are parents and no matter how much you two may hate
each other, you had a kid together and you will be talking to each other for a
very long time. That’s reality.
Picture this. Boxing ring. You vs your ex. The
fight is about to begin. You come to the centre of the ring and touch gloves as
I, the referee, gives you your instructions:
Rule
#1 – Communication
Communication, just like in most marriages, is
probably one of the reasons as to why you are no longer together. I hate to
break it to you but, for the sake of your kids, you will have to work
incredibly hard at this. Your kids will now have two homes. Depending on what
your agreement is, you’ll be sharing clothes, toys, stuffed animals and who
knows whatever else so you have no choice but to talk.
If all communications by phone or in person
fail, try by text message or, preferably, email. Not communicating is not an option.
Keep it clean too. No matter how hard the
communication is, try to make it work. It pays off in the end, especially if
you go to divorce court.
Rule
#2 – Respect towards each other
Do not:
- ·
Insult
each other
- ·
Call each
other names
- ·
Just hang
up
- ·
Do things
to intentionally piss the other one off
If you do any of these things mentioned above,
you are the one who is an idiot.
Yes, I know it is hard to resist the
temptation. Try. Try harder. Try again. Don’t do it. This pays off in the long
run, especially if you end up in divorce court.
Rule
#3 – Find a good lawyer
This is not where you want to start getting
cheap. This is going to cost a lot of money. Shop around. Don’t just take a
bargain divorce lawyer. Remember, you are now fighting for a fair split of your
stuff and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, custody of your kids. Going with a cheap or
inexperienced lawyer could cost you. Big time.
Rule
#4 – Respect your agreements
If you come to an agreement with your ex about
anything, RESPECT IT. If you need to change the agreement, see rules 1 & 2.
Under no circumstances should you go against an
agreement just to ‘piss off’ your ex. If you break an agreement without a valid
reason, it gives your ex a reason to disrespect a future agreement for a stupid
reason. It’s a vicious cycle. Don’t allow this to happen.
WARNING: If your ex breaks an agreement, for
any reason, do not break the next agreement just to spite them. Don’t give in.
Don’t add fuel to the fire. Yes, it will be hard to resist temptation but you
must do it. Period. It pays off in the end, especially if you go to divorce
court.
Rule
#5 – Don’t fight dirty
This is similar to rule 2 but it goes on a much
deeper level. Keep the fight clean.
Do not:
- ·
make false
accusations
- ·
invent
stories against your ex to tell anyone around you to make your ex look bad for
nothing
Keep it clean. Trust me. It pays off,
especially if you go to divorce court.
Rule
#6 – Be flexible
Although things may get rough, you still have
to communicate and make agreements. Be flexible. Don’t take a hard line stance
on everything. Divorce, just like communication, just like marriage, is a two
way street. If you are not flexible, don’t expect flexibility in return.
In the event that your ex is not flexible, be
flexible anyways. It pays off in the long run, especially if you go to divorce
court.
Rule
#7 – Shrink your circle of friends & don’t take advice from just anyone
It is easy to give advice, especially when you
don’t have to live with the consequences.
When going through a divorce, be careful of who
you allow in your circle of trust. This is your battle, not theirs. Make sure
those around you keep you grounded, focused and logical.
TRUST THOSE WHO:
- ·
truly
listen to you and want the best not just for you, but for your kids.
- ·
encourage
communication with your ex.
- ·
keep you
focused on your well being and the well being of your kids.
- ·
are
problem solvers.
- ·
are
willing to challenge you and tell you straight to your face when you are
thinking illogically
- ·
will tell
you to stop being stupid
- ·
are
brutally honest
DO NOT TRUST THOSE WHO:
- ·
want you
to ‘clean your ex out’
- ·
want you
to ‘take your ex for all they have’
- ·
encourage
you to take the kids away from them
- ·
encourage
creating problems rather than problem solving
Who you keep in your circle of friends will
directly influence how you act in life and towards your ex. The wrong people
can hurt you in the end. Directly AND indirectly. Choose wisely or it can end
up costing you later. Especially if you go to divorce court.
Rule
#8 – Keep your new partner under control
You are ‘back on the free agent list’. You are
available. If you meet someone new, that is great. However, remember, this is
your fight, not theirs. You need to, for lack of a better term, keep your
partner on a leash.
DO NOT:
- ·
try to make
them replace their father or mother. Your child already has one of each. There
are boundaries. As long as the other parent is present in the child’s life,
your partner should not try to act like the child’s sole father or mother.
- ·
allow them
to confront your ex. This is not their fight. Keep them out of it.
- ·
allow them
to speak negatively about your ex in front of the kids. This is something you
shouldn’t be doing either and you should make sure of the same for your
partner.
This is important. If your new partner can’t
stay out of it, they can cause irreparable damage to the kids, to you and your
rights as a parent. Choose your new partner wisely. A partner that fuels
negativity in a divorce that isn’t theirs can cost you, especially in divorce
court.
Rule
#9 – KEEP THE KIDS OUT OF IT
Not much explanation needed here. Parenting is
not a competition. Your child loves BOTH parents EQUALLY.
Don’t have arguments in front of the kids.
Don’t disrespect the other parent. Don’t try to be ‘the better parent’. Divorce
is hard enough on a child. Don’t make their life any harder. Show your child
that they can have a normal life despite his or her parents being divorced. Be
an example for other divorced parents.
This is one of the hardest things you’ll do in
the divorce. Do it. Work hard at it. Work harder. Don’t be an idiot. It can
cost you in the long run. It can cost you your future relationship with your
child. It can also cost you dearly in divorce court.
Rule
#10 – Parental authority, no matter the custody situation, is 50/50.
It takes two to have a kid. It also takes two
to make any decision for the well being of the child. Parental authority is
50-50. If you try to act as the ‘boss parent’, it can cost you in the long run,
especially in divorce court.
It doesn’t matter if you have full custody,
partial custody or shared custody, both parents have an EQUAL say in the
child’s well being and upbringing.
That’s it. 10 rules. Follow these rules and
your life will be much easier. Trust me. I’ve been there. By the way, you’ve
read several times a mention about ‘failing to follow this rule could cost you
in divorce court’ and there is a reason why. If you end up in front of a judge,
with the fate of your child’s custody at stake, the judge will evaluate
everything, including your maturity level. If you decide to be an idiot (or
hurtful, or disrespectful, or anything negative) during the divorce process, it
WILL hurt your chances and helping you win your case. There is nothing that
judges hate more than two parents who act more immature than their children.
Divorce is tough enough. Your whole world is
being turned upside down. Make your life easier. Follow these rules. Don’t
believe me. Show this rulebook to your lawyer. They’ll approve of this.
Guaranteed.
