Soccer
coach, homework helper, robot builder, race track engineer & cookie baker
are just some of the titles I have that, combined, make me an Awesome Dad.
BUT...
Being an
Awesome Dad wasn’t always in the plans. Being a dad, period, wasn’t always in
the plans for me. My life, even up until recently, has been a major roller coaster ride with many trips through the pits of hell. One of my goals as
a dad is to make sure that Antonio doesn’t have to go through the same
hardships that I battled through so that he can have a better life than me. Here’s my story.
Picture
this. 1994. I was thirteen years old. Laval. My parents divorced and my mom
took us to live with my grandparents in Ontario. All of this on about 5 minutes
notice. I didn’t have time to say bye to my friends. I didn’t even pack my own
things. POOF! We were gone. Teenage life
is hard enough. Now, my dad was no longer in the picture and I was ripped away
from my school, my friends & my city.
SURVIVAL
MODE: ACTIVATED
Ever since
that day, I was ‘on my own’. I rebelled. I won’t get into details (everyone has
their own family story). Aside from
life’s basics, if I wanted anything, I had to get it on my own. For a young man
to no longer have his dad in the picture is a HUGE blow. That’s a lot for a young
teen. No choice. I pushed forward. At 15, I moved out on my own & into a
shelter for boys.
While my
friends in high school partied and did activities, I was more concerned with
finding work, paying rent and making sure I had enough to eat all while
attending class & making sure I got my diploma. Luckily, I got a job at
Subway and was allowed a free sub per shift. I took full advantage of that.
Other than that, my ‘diet’ consisted of chips and frozen pizza.
The way I
saw it... my stomach was ‘full’, I had a roof over my head (despite moving at
least twice a year) and a mattress to sleep on (which was on the floor) so I
was ok. I was surviving. Period. It wasn’t the ideal life but I had to move
forward. I gave myself no choice.
At 17, my
father came back into my life. Despite trying to ‘re-connect’ and have a father
–son relationship again, it wasn’t the same. We tried our best to be close but
he was no longer the man I knew growing up. When I was 18, he passed away. I now
lost my father for a 2nd time. I was destroyed. I was convinced that God hated me and was
using me as his own personal punching bag. I didn’t like losing and there was
no way I was going to let God win this boxing match. It wasn’t easy, but I kept
fighting. I kept surviving. I didn’t give myself a choice.
THE OTHER
‘S’ WORD
Already on ‘Survival’
mode for 5 years and now having lost my father for a 2nd time, I hit
a low. Despite deciding to fight with God and survive, my mind played tricks on
me and knocked me down to the ground. HARD. Looking back, you can definitely
call it a depression. A bad one. The other ‘S’ word started popping into my
mind. That’s right. Suicide. I was decided twice. I chickened out both times. Each
time I decided that ‘I was going to do it’, I started thinking, ‘Have I really
been in survival mode all these years to just go out this way?’ I decided to
keep fighting and surviving. I gave life another try. Unfortunately, deciding
to give life another try doesn’t take away the pain. Or the anger.
One night, I
went to visit my boss’ night club (despite being under age). There was a fight.
It was my boss’ place. I wanted to help. I jumped in. My boss was impressed. As
of that night, I was a bouncer. I also found a new way to unleash stress and anger.
Fighting. Over the next 4 years, working in various clubs, I got involved in
close to 1,000 fights. I’m not proud of fighting but I won’t lie, without those
fights, I may not be here today. During my dark times, I was often tempted by
the dark forces. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs... When you work in clubs,
everything is accessible. Thanks to the fighting, I never considered any of
them. Fighting was therapeutic. I’ve never even taken a puff of a cigarette.
Fighting was legal. It didn’t cost me anything. I was still just trying to
survive. Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs cost money. Money that I used for rent.
I couldn’t risk not paying rent. My life
was still all about survival. I didn’t want to ‘survive’ all those years only
to see my life end for nothing. My life had to mean something.
At 21, I
moved back to Montreal. More various ups and downs. I got married a few years
later. That didn’t last too long. The divorce was nasty (no details needed).
The key is, I’ve been surviving for so long and beating every challenge that
came my way so I was ready. It wasn’t easy but the prize I was fighting for was
the greatest prize I could ever win: My son.
When Antonio
was born, I made a decision to make sure that he would get to enjoy his life. I
wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t have to just ‘survive’. I’ve always wanted
him to enjoy life and benefit from the best it has to offer.
I never
thought I’d be a father. Through all my darkest moments in life, during all the
times that I wanted to give up, during all the times that I lost hope, I
decided to keep fighting hoping that something better would come along.
When I look
at my son, I am happy that I never gave up. I am happy that I kept fighting. My
fight for survival has become a quest to be the best father possible. My fight
for survival has prepared me to be the Awesome Dad that I am today. My son will have a better life than I had. I
will always be there for him. I will guide him through every stage of life. I
will give him all the love, support and discipline he needs. Right now, his
dream is to be an inventor AND a baker (he wants 2 careers) so on top of
coaching his Soccer team, I’ll help him bake cookies, build robots and much
more. I want him to learn from my experiences and use my wisdom to offer
himself a better life.
All I want
in return is for him to be proud of me.
I think I am on the right path.
The quest
continues...
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