Saturday, October 17, 2015

Caillou is the devil!

Ok folks. This is my first ever parenting rant (ok… first ever on a parenting blog. Those who know me know that this is a regular occurrence).

Today’s target: Caillou

In my humble opinion, Caillou is the devil of children’s television. Parents, I beg you, do not let your kids watch this show.

My dislike for this show is rooted deep. It all started when Antonio was about 4 years old. Antonio is now 6 years old. Why am I ranting about this now? I caught 3 seconds of a Caillou episode while channel surfing the other day and I got a bad flashback!

Back to Antonio, the 4 year old. Every time I would tell him no or something would happen that he didn’t like, his reply would always be ‘It’s not fair!’. What does a 4 year old know about fair? His life consists of being cute, eating, sleeping, playing and pooping. That’s it. But ‘It’s not fair!’ almost became his catchphrase.  Sometimes, he would even say it when he got what he wanted right away.

It took me a while to figure it out. First of all, he would never watch Caillou at my place (for those of you just tuning in, I am divorced therefore have shared custody of my son) so this mystery wasn’t so easy to figure out. The mission to figure this out consumed me. I started analyzing every show that he watched at my place. I started paying closer attention to the conversations that occurred around him. I even asked his mother. Nothing. Nada. I was going down a dead end street.

Then, it happened. A light of hope. And anger. It was a Sunday. I was bored and was channel surfing. For a split second, in between clicks, I heard the devil’s voice. ‘IT’S NOT FAIR!’. I flipped back to the channel. I sat up straight. I found the culprit. It was Caillou.

I started investigating further. Yes. I was watching a children’s show on my own. This was for research. Here’s what I’ve determined:

Caillou ALWAYS gets what he wants. Sure, they try to blend in a message or an opportunity to learn but let’s get real for a moment. The kids who watch this show are too young to understand the plot of the show. They don’t understand that after the kid whines on and on, there is a family discussion and then he gets what he wants after he’s learned his lesson.


What they learn is:

WHINE + CRY + IT’S NOT FAIR = Drive my parents to the point of insanity so that I can get what I want.

Caillou is working against us, folks. This kid is teaching our children how to complain. Stop this monster.

Don’t believe me? Watch the show. Alone. Take notes.

Back to Antonio. I mentioned Caillou. He LOVED that show. That was it. I had to find a way to rid this demon from his brain. I had to cleanse him of Caillou.  An exorcism was too extreme. Plus I couldn’t find a priest that would do it. I threw some holy water on him but he thought I was playing a game. To rid him of this devil, I had to increase the discipline.

New house rule: Every time he would say ‘It’s not fair’, it was a 2 minute time out. It took about a week but I finally cleansed the demon from his body. Since then, everything Caillou related is banned. I never thought I’d find something more annoying than Barney and the Teletubbies (remember those monsters?) but Caillou proved me wrong.

Oh and by the way, I am convinced that Caillou’s parents are some kind of criminals. I can’t figure out just what yet. My opinion is leaning towards some kind of drug dealing.

Ok. Let’s take a time out. I know what you are thinking. Awesome Dad has become Insane Dad. No. I'm quite sane. I promise.

Yes it is a cartoon but, think about it for a second. They own a home, two cars and yet they are ALWAYS home.  Plus, the kid ALWAYS gets what he wants. Stuff ain’t free. How do they pay for all this? That’s right. Drugs.

They sell drugs in between shows and Caillou poisons your child’s mind. It’s a conspiracy.

Parents. Let’s unite against this devil and his drug dealing parents. Ban Caillou from your homes. Elmo and his friends from Sesame Street are a much safer and more educational show.

Awesome Parents don’t let Awesome Parents let their Awesome Kids watch Caillou.

This rant was brought to you by the letter C, the color red and the number 3.

Take care folks, Stay Awesome!

PS: For any overly sensitive parents reading this, please take note:
- No holy water was thrown on Antonio.
- No priests were actually contacted.
- I never believed that Antonio was actually possessed by Caillou.

- This is a parenting rant. Supposed to be funny. I hope you caught on.

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